I would like to think that this article is inspired by my rectitude in carnal matters and my high moral standards. I’m actually just mad that I’ve never had $4K sex. But just when we heard enough, newly-minted New York Governor David Paterson went on a binge-and-purge session with NY1 Television, disclosing that he’d had extramarital affairs and—gasp—used drugs in the ‘70’s. Thank you, governor, for admitting that you were part of the adult population during the Nixon and Ford administrations.

It is time to put the issue of adultery and public office holders to bed once and for all. I am calling for a “Sex and Drug Amnesty Day” on Capitol Hill, to be duplicated by each of the fifty state capitols as they see fit. The ground rules are as follows:

**You are given the floor of your respective chamber for six to nine minutes. For executive branch officials, your briefing room will suffice.

**You spill the beans. No names, no salacious details, no dollar amounts, no mea culpas, just the truth.

**Your semi-attractive wife can NOT be at your side. Deal with her later. She’s already dealt with your bullshit; stop imposing on her any more than you already have. Oh, and by the way, if she’s cool with it, then that must be stated. A lot of these wives couldn’t care less—why are they suddenly acting as if they do?

**No apologizing for having done it. You’re sorry you got caught, not that you got laid.

**No suddenly finding Jesus, a Higher Power, or realizing “what’s really important in life.” I’ve had tons of sex (probably more than you have) and it has brought me to NONE of those things.

**NO resigning from office or dropping out of your current race. What a bunch of wusses. If you were man enough to get some on the side then be man enough to finish the job you started and represent your constituents.

**No crying—that one really pisses me off.

I wish I was smart enough to do this as a Wiki—-I’m sure many of y’all have some good parameters that I’m leaving out.

Now for the political opponents:

**This is called “amnesty” for a reason. If he discloses anything during his six to nine minute period that you have uncovered in you oppo research, it’s now off limits. He did his part. Should you find additional info he did not disclose and it’s verifiable then it’s fair game and he’ll be nailed to the wall for being selective in his disclosure.

**You must do the same at some point no later than 45 days prior to the election. We aren’t doing this again for you during your term.

**I really don’t have another point here; I just like typing double asterisks.

One final note: all of the terms in this piece have been masculine, implying that only male pols screw around. To prove I’m not a sexist, I have full faith that women are as capable of infidelity as men are. Where are the sex scandals involving the chicks? C’mon Mikulski, Boxer, Napolitano, and Todd Whitman—show us whatcha got. Do you really thing Elizabeth has only been doing Bob all these years? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t have much money to throw around and I’m very selective about whose campaigns I give to, but I’ll make a donation (albeit not huge) to the campaign of any female office holder who steps up to the plate on Amnesty Day (even if she’s GOP).

Stop polluting my MSNBC with this crap and get down to the business of making healthcare affordable for working Americans, easing our addiction to foreign oil, and ensuring that the Iraq death toll odometer doesn’t turn over a “5” within the next fourteen months.